Apologies for the crass title, but it got the point across and also the answer to a question I often ponder.
Why do people in happy and "committed" relationships cheat?
There's a million reasons for infidelity and I won't pretend to understand them. But if you love the one you're with and want to spend forever with them, then why would you step outside of those vows? Call me naive, call me wide-eyed, but I guess I always underestimate the weight of the physical component. Sometimes, good sex is just good sex; nothing more, nothing less. But doesn't this become obsolete when you're committed to someone else? Call me old-fashioned, but why make vows if you have the mindset of breaking them?
As equally passionate and disgusted as I am with this topic, the journalist in me is compelled to see the other point of view. Is monogamy overrated? Maybe it's a modern day invention, merely constructed to keep us constricted and not running amuck. If you take a look at history through out all cultures, most men kept multiple wives. Maybe it wasn't ever ideal for these women, but they accepted the status quo. And why not? They're living in what the man provides, and it's reciprocated in tolerance if not acceptance. So really, who am I to criticize what has been prevalent in history? Maybe monogamy is just the current, socially accepted way of life. It's not right or wrong, but simply a concept. Albeit not a very romantic one, but nonetheless.
Bottom line - loving one person but having sex with others means you're settling no matter how you spin it. Again, call me idealistic, but I would only sign my life away to someone I match with intellectually, mentally, spiritually and definitely, physically. I've never been one to brag about how high my standards are because I'm also realistic. I don't need a lot, but at the same time, I would never settle for anything less.
Then again, what the heck do I know? Experts on relationships are those IN successful relationships. Ask me again in 5 to 10 years and I just might be taking whatever I can get. Standards? Come again?
I think more men cheat just for the thrill of breaking the rules, while women tend to cheat more for emotional needs. Of course this is a generality and there will be exceptions.
I think men can more easily separate sex from love, making it posibble to give his heart to just one woman while his body is "leased" to several others. But a vow is a vow and a commitment is a comittment, and cheaters are breaking what is one of the most sacred trusts of all - a pledge of fidelity to their spouse. Monogamy works for mature people because their love is more than just physical and it grows stronger over time. For the folks primarily seeking sex, eventually they lose interest and move on to others. My opinion is if a person can't handle the maturity to be exclusive and happy with just one person, then they need to be honest and just seek casual relationships only to avoid deceiving/hurting soemone that's looking for or expecting a deeper relationship.
some people live just to break rules hehehe i guess? =P
one bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush....but one bird in hand while chasing 2 in the bush is worth more than just one bird. that's human nature :P cowardice and insecurity are just indelible facets of the human condition.
i have hope for humanity...oh wait, no i don't :P
infidelity occurs ultimately b/c the love for sensual pleasure is greater than the love for the significant other.
5-10 years? must i really wait that long? ;)
Cheating sucks, I would never do it and I would never want to be cheated on. End of story
Its a choice they pick. Heh, I just posted something about temptation on my blog about cheating too.
You are something else. I'll tell you. Makes me happy I subscribed. lol
Cheating, cheating, cheating. Where art thou, and what hast thou done with my purities? I think cheating is quite the interesting concept; I'll place myself on the pedastool for this one.
*sigh*
Before I start, NO I'VE NEVER CHEATED. lol Okay, now that that's out of the way, I find it very difficult to stay satisfied while in a relationship. I question it b/c me personally, I'm into almost everything. I enjoy life, new people, new places, new experiences... To a fault some would say. For example, I don't identify with much in the external sense, specifically saying, just b/c I'm african-american, doesn't mean I'm "black". I'm not lost or anything, to me it's like accepting customs of any other "race" of people. You learn them, you learn how to meet and greet, the do's and dont's, but you're still not them. I feel that way about everything. I keep what I like, and that's about it. So being in a relationship immediately limited to the one I'm with. I have to both create my own limitations, and accept the personal limits of the one I'm with.
I feel to the fullest extent, an individual, and to some extent am detatched from the social and even emotional environment around me.
I think that there are oodles of reasons why people would cheat.. Some from a carnal lust that they can't control, others from a space in their hearts that they're searching to fill however possible, some just to spice their lives up a bit, b/c things have gotten too comfortable. People have a nature to destroy things, including themselves. Though destruction is another form of creation, we also desire w/e we create and/or share, to be infinite.. (like love for example) Which is hypocritical, to say the least. Love is the only string tieing some of us together.
(random thought I didn't know where to place) I think it's interesting how people seek security though it honestly doesn't actually exist. We make it exist in the forms of money, or large property, or w/e else says "safety" on the front label. We limit ourselves in every aspect of life, to obtain this secure feeling. It's the foundation of most if not all of our society's ill-natures. Racism is a form of security. Societal class is a form of security, and excetera. It's all an illusion...
What you should also find interesting though, are those that hold on too tightly. If you hold on to something too tightly, you strangle it. If you hold it too loosely, it falls through your fingers. This is one piece of the spectrum of failed relationships. While some relationships fail from one cheating on their partners, there are also relationships that fail, from denial or loss of one's natural self while in the relationship. We are very complex creatures.
As far as this article goes though, it seems you're questioning the action of cheating, as opposed to just breaking the relationship off.. That, is a good question. :) You have some good answers above my own! I hope I provided some insight and didn't ramble too much. :)
It beats me why people cheat while they are in love. All I know is that is a sucky feeling to have it down to you and maybe because I experienced it, I know I will never do that to someone else. I do agree with somebody above that said we as humans naturally destory things, maybe thats what it is. People don't want things to work and will find any avenue to break a relationship even if it hurts people. After all, whats good in the moment is all that matters sometimes. Good post, very Carrie-esque circa Sex and the City.
Oh and fellow Mariah fan, her new album is slated to be called "Memoirs of an Imperfect Anger" as read on Mariah's twitter site.
cheating is just a sign that you are not 100% content with the person that you're with so why commit when you're obviously looking for something else. seems like a lot of people are writing about infidelity these days. this was quite the insightful post. and you're right... never settle, its definitely not worth it.
" Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives " ... ( Marilyn Monroe )
i don't get it too. i don't understand how someone can just stray away, was it that hard to just say something to the other person. i came across this dilemma not too long ago and i have been sort of hesitant to proceed because even though it didn't necessarily happen to me, it did to someone else, could i have been the next victim? never once in any of my relationships have i had wandering eyes or thought of cheating on the person that i so called loved or vice versa, the only two people that i focused on was the object of my affection and myself. i agree with you on the old fashion thing, i'm the same way, if i'm with someone, he's the only person i want to be with and hopefully same with him.
i think the best answer is to say "who is Mr./Ms. Right" If you are with someone and still have the urge or wanting to have sex with someone else, flirt with someone else, or see someone else..you are either (1) not ready to settle down or (2) dont love the person you are with. A lot of ppl THINKS they are in love and found The One...but how naive are they. Until you find yourself attracted to only that one person adn everyone else is nothing and only think of that person and only want to have sex with that one person..you are in true love and THAT's the person you are with. People that cheats are just lying to themselves that they found the one. That's my take...probably not exactly correct..but from my experiences and from stories of my close ones....this is what i gathered.
It has a lot to do with one's culture, values, and beliefs. I personally don't agree with cheating and will not tolerate it, but this is my own preference. To some, they may not see "cheating" as a bad thing. You have married couples who have discussed dating other people even while in a marriage (but in this case, would this still be considered cheating?). I may not agree with this, but I won't judge them because it is their choice. We can't control other people's actions and we may not understand why people do the things that they do, but we can make our own choices and take our own actions in relationships.
I think cheating generally boils down to options. The more viable options a guy or a girl has; it's almost a no-brainer for them to take the best option at any given point in time.
to echo ladyofthesilk's comment, the only thing we can do is make our own choice.
I've always maintained that Love, like Happiness, is a choice. It's either you love someone enough to not cheat on them, or you don't - and you do whatever it takes to keep your relationship in smooth waters, no matter the cost.
Have you considered why men/women cheat in their relationship? When you think of it from an evolutionary point of view, it makes a bit more sense (though still totally wrong).
Males cheat because they want to spread their genes our further than they can with one woman.Females cheat for a completely different reason. There is a need to have a 'family oriented male', the boyfriend, to help raise a child. But, the female's 'wants' a dominant male's genes to be in her child. So she temporarily cheats for her future child. That was basically a sumarization of an article from a year ago in Psychology Today.
You make a good point in wondering if monogamy works...but if someone is considered to be "cheating" it obviously means that they signed up for monogamy. In my mind, there really is no excuse. We are all adults and know what we are getting into. If someone feels they can't commit, then they need to be honest with themselves and their significant other in the first place. And if they did "sign on the dotted line", so to speak, then realized that they couldn't follow through, a truly loving person would be up front with their significant other before they took on another relationship. My dad always used to say, "People sometimes say, 'It just happened', but I have never known a person to just look and someone and accidentally end up in bed with them...if they are honest they knew it was going to happen all along."
You can commit to someone with equally high standards, but nobody ever knows how they will react to a situation until they get there and NOBODY is infallible. I've told my husband on more than one occasion that I never want to be married to someone who no longer wants me...if he ever feels the need to be with someone else, then he is free to tell me and leave. And I mean it. It would be really painful, but less painful than if he played me for a fool and went about his business behind my back.
I've been there. I went outside my marriage for sex. In most ways we were happy but there was something lacking that neither one could fix. So I made the decision to errr... do that. It was not as great as I expected it would be. I am still with my husband, he knows and has forgiven me. WE are happy now, and I now know that it's not worth it to go outside the hypothetical box
the answer to this is simple. it's basic instincts that we seek multiple partners and now, modern society has put a taboo on it.
"Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled." Harlen Ellison
In my more negative moments, I might agree with that. But, as someone married now heading for my 8th year,(and no, never cheated, reasons are varied, but quite frankly, it just doesn't seem the thing to do) Why anyone else cheats, well, the answer run the gambit of responses, from personal weaknesses, moments of indiscretion, to blaming the partner for neglect or abscence.
But before I was married, I was engaged. Five times to be precise. And the first one had mutual cheating going on, but in the others, I was the victim, not the suspect in any out of relationship sexual escapades. Some I tolerated, others I didn't. In the end, they weren't the factors that made or broke the relationships, they never are. Cheating sex is a symptom, not the disease.
In the end, you'll have to decide what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship. they say it's compromise, but if it is, it's compromise with yourself, not the other person. Because in the end, you have to yield some things, and other things, you refuse to yield on. A good relationship is knowing what you will give up, and what you won't. And making that clear to the other person.
Still, there is the left brain side of the science teacher that says, all these limitations we place on breeding are arbitrary. Humans are most probably harem breeders by evolution.(if one looks at other large primates, there are two that share our type of sexual dimorphism, males 50% larger than females: Orangutans and Gorillas, and both have one male with several females.) Monogamy as we practice it is a result of culture, and probably not a very good one since it flies in the face of good evolution. Stronger males should be breeding more, and inferior males, breeding less.(so says a typical alpha male, I suppose) Instead, we do one and one breeding, allowing weak, and simple males to have chances to perpetuate bad genes. Thank god for cuckolding!
Sorry, science can be a jerk sometimes.
serious? hmm i'm there from June 21 (sun) to June 25 (thurs) - definite. I'm going with a gf and we're staying at a friends house, but plans are flexible. Random engagement dinner with xanga friend sounds like random fun lol!
I agree with what you're saying but like one guy said, "cheating is cheating". I've known people to "cheat" even in open relationships. To me cheating has more to do with dishonesty. You can cheat on someone emotionally without ever having sex with someone else. If someone's needs aren't being met and for whatever reason.. usually fear of losing the security or stability of what they currently have.. people will cheat to meet their needs. Sometimes, too though, the really do love and want to be with the person they are with but can't confront them about having an open relationship to meet their sexual needs.
But I don't believe for a minute it's all about the sex and animal instincts. Most humans, even men, can't enjoy sex with someone unless their is some kind of mental or emotional attraction to the person they are with. My opinion is that their is a breakdown or needs not being met in psychologically or emotionally rather than physically. I used to have the most amazing sex with my last girlfriend.. I never wanted or lusted for anyone else.. not even porn did anything for me anymore. But when the actual relationship began to sour psychologically.. sex with her was is she may have well just licking the wall while I watched from far away.
I've had my share of casual sex since we broke up, and even with those people, there was still some kind of connection that made it good. The few where there was none, the sex was bad because the attraction seemed nonexistant, no mental chemistry. Then again.. I'm having sex on a regular basis with this kind of crazy girl now and it's all mostly a physical chemistry.. and it's GREAT!!
Comments (22)
I think more men cheat just for the thrill of breaking the rules, while women tend to cheat more for emotional needs. Of course this is a generality and there will be exceptions.
I think men can more easily separate sex from love, making it posibble to give his heart to just one woman while his body is "leased" to several others.
But a vow is a vow and a commitment is a comittment, and cheaters are breaking what is one of the most sacred trusts of all - a pledge of fidelity to their spouse.
Monogamy works for mature people because their love is more than just physical and it grows stronger over time. For the folks primarily seeking sex, eventually they lose interest and move on to others.
My opinion is if a person can't handle the maturity to be exclusive and happy with just one person, then they need to be honest and just seek casual relationships only to avoid deceiving/hurting soemone that's looking for or expecting a deeper relationship.
some people live just to break rules hehehe i guess? =P
one bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush....but one bird in hand while chasing 2 in the bush is worth more than just one bird. that's human nature :P cowardice and insecurity are just indelible facets of the human condition.
i have hope for humanity...oh wait, no i don't :P
infidelity occurs ultimately b/c the love for sensual pleasure is greater than the love for the significant other.
5-10 years? must i really wait that long? ;)
Cheating sucks, I would never do it and I would never want to be cheated on. End of story
Its a choice they pick. Heh, I just posted something about temptation on my blog about cheating too.
@SoyBoy4ever - I agree with this
You are something else. I'll tell you.
Makes me happy I subscribed. lol
Cheating, cheating, cheating. Where art thou, and what hast thou done with my purities?
I think cheating is quite the interesting concept; I'll place myself on the pedastool for this one.
*sigh*
Before I start, NO I'VE NEVER CHEATED. lol Okay, now that that's out of the way, I find it very difficult to stay satisfied while in a relationship. I question it b/c me personally, I'm into almost everything. I enjoy life, new people, new places, new experiences... To a fault some would say. For example, I don't identify with much in the external sense, specifically saying, just b/c I'm african-american, doesn't mean I'm "black". I'm not lost or anything, to me it's like accepting customs of any other "race" of people. You learn them, you learn how to meet and greet, the do's and dont's, but you're still not them. I feel that way about everything. I keep what I like, and that's about it. So being in a relationship immediately limited to the one I'm with. I have to both create my own limitations, and accept the personal limits of the one I'm with.
I feel to the fullest extent, an individual, and to some extent am detatched from the social and even emotional environment around me.
I think that there are oodles of reasons why people would cheat.. Some from a carnal lust that they can't control, others from a space in their hearts that they're searching to fill however possible, some just to spice their lives up a bit, b/c things have gotten too comfortable. People have a nature to destroy things, including themselves. Though destruction is another form of creation, we also desire w/e we create and/or share, to be infinite.. (like love for example) Which is hypocritical, to say the least. Love is the only string tieing some of us together.
(random thought I didn't know where to place)
I think it's interesting how people seek security though it honestly doesn't actually exist. We make it exist in the forms of money, or large property, or w/e else says "safety" on the front label. We limit ourselves in every aspect of life, to obtain this secure feeling. It's the foundation of most if not all of our society's ill-natures. Racism is a form of security. Societal class is a form of security, and excetera. It's all an illusion...
What you should also find interesting though, are those that hold on too tightly. If you hold on to something too tightly, you strangle it. If you hold it too loosely, it falls through your fingers. This is one piece of the spectrum of failed relationships. While some relationships fail from one cheating on their partners, there are also relationships that fail, from denial or loss of one's natural self while in the relationship. We are very complex creatures.
As far as this article goes though, it seems you're questioning the action of cheating, as opposed to just breaking the relationship off.. That, is a good question. :) You have some good answers above my own! I hope I provided some insight and didn't ramble too much. :)
It beats me why people cheat while they are in love. All I know is that is a sucky feeling to have it down to you and maybe because I experienced it, I know I will never do that to someone else. I do agree with somebody above that said we as humans naturally destory things, maybe thats what it is. People don't want things to work and will find any avenue to break a relationship even if it hurts people. After all, whats good in the moment is all that matters sometimes. Good post, very Carrie-esque circa Sex and the City.
Oh and fellow Mariah fan, her new album is slated to be called "Memoirs of an Imperfect Anger" as read on Mariah's twitter site.
cheating is just a sign that you are not 100% content with the person that you're with so why commit when you're obviously looking for something else. seems like a lot of people are writing about infidelity these days. this was quite the insightful post. and you're right... never settle, its definitely not worth it.
" Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives " ... ( Marilyn Monroe )
i don't get it too. i don't understand how someone can just stray away, was it that hard to just say something to the other person. i came across this dilemma not too long ago and i have been sort of hesitant to proceed because even though it didn't necessarily happen to me, it did to someone else, could i have been the next victim? never once in any of my relationships have i had wandering eyes or thought of cheating on the person that i so called loved or vice versa, the only two people that i focused on was the object of my affection and myself. i agree with you on the old fashion thing, i'm the same way, if i'm with someone, he's the only person i want to be with and hopefully same with him.
i think the best answer is to say "who is Mr./Ms. Right" If you are with someone and still have the urge or wanting to have sex with someone else, flirt with someone else, or see someone else..you are either (1) not ready to settle down or (2) dont love the person you are with. A lot of ppl THINKS they are in love and found The One...but how naive are they. Until you find yourself attracted to only that one person adn everyone else is nothing and only think of that person and only want to have sex with that one person..you are in true love and THAT's the person you are with. People that cheats are just lying to themselves that they found the one. That's my take...probably not exactly correct..but from my experiences and from stories of my close ones....this is what i gathered.
It has a lot to do with one's culture, values, and beliefs. I personally don't agree with cheating and will not tolerate it, but this is my own preference. To some, they may not see "cheating" as a bad thing. You have married couples who have discussed dating other people even while in a marriage (but in this case, would this still be considered cheating?). I may not agree with this, but I won't judge them because it is their choice. We can't control other people's actions and we may not understand why people do the things that they do, but we can make our own choices and take our own actions in relationships.
I think cheating generally boils down to options. The more viable options a guy or a girl has; it's almost a no-brainer for them to take the best option at any given point in time.
to echo ladyofthesilk's comment, the only thing we can do is make our own choice.
I've always maintained that Love, like Happiness, is a choice. It's either you love someone enough to not cheat on them, or you don't - and you do whatever it takes to keep your relationship in smooth waters, no matter the cost.
Have you considered why men/women cheat in their relationship? When you think of it from an evolutionary point of view, it makes a bit more sense (though still totally wrong).
Males cheat because they want to spread their genes our further than they can with one woman.Females cheat for a completely different reason. There is a need to have a 'family oriented male', the boyfriend, to help raise a child. But, the female's 'wants' a dominant male's genes to be in her child. So she temporarily cheats for her future child. That was basically a sumarization of an article from a year ago in Psychology Today.You make a good point in wondering if monogamy works...but if someone is considered to be "cheating" it obviously means that they signed up for monogamy. In my mind, there really is no excuse. We are all adults and know what we are getting into. If someone feels they can't commit, then they need to be honest with themselves and their significant other in the first place. And if they did "sign on the dotted line", so to speak, then realized that they couldn't follow through, a truly loving person would be up front with their significant other before they took on another relationship. My dad always used to say, "People sometimes say, 'It just happened', but I have never known a person to just look and someone and accidentally end up in bed with them...if they are honest they knew it was going to happen all along."
You can commit to someone with equally high standards, but nobody ever knows how they will react to a situation until they get there and NOBODY is infallible. I've told my husband on more than one occasion that I never want to be married to someone who no longer wants me...if he ever feels the need to be with someone else, then he is free to tell me and leave. And I mean it. It would be really painful, but less painful than if he played me for a fool and went about his business behind my back.
I've been there. I went outside my marriage for sex. In most ways we were happy but there was something lacking that neither one could fix. So I made the decision to errr... do that. It was not as great as I expected it would be. I am still with my husband, he knows and has forgiven me. WE are happy now, and I now know that it's not worth it to go outside the hypothetical box
the answer to this is simple. it's basic instincts that we seek multiple partners and now, modern society has put a taboo on it.
"Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled." Harlen Ellison
In my more negative moments, I might agree with that. But, as someone married now heading for my 8th year,(and no, never cheated, reasons are varied, but quite frankly, it just doesn't seem the thing to do) Why anyone else cheats, well, the answer run the gambit of responses, from personal weaknesses, moments of indiscretion, to blaming the partner for neglect or abscence.
But before I was married, I was engaged. Five times to be precise. And the first one had mutual cheating going on, but in the others, I was the victim, not the suspect in any out of relationship sexual escapades. Some I tolerated, others I didn't. In the end, they weren't the factors that made or broke the relationships, they never are. Cheating sex is a symptom, not the disease.
In the end, you'll have to decide what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship. they say it's compromise, but if it is, it's compromise with yourself, not the other person. Because in the end, you have to yield some things, and other things, you refuse to yield on. A good relationship is knowing what you will give up, and what you won't. And making that clear to the other person.
Still, there is the left brain side of the science teacher that says, all these limitations we place on breeding are arbitrary. Humans are most probably harem breeders by evolution.(if one looks at other large primates, there are two that share our type of sexual dimorphism, males 50% larger than females: Orangutans and Gorillas, and both have one male with several females.) Monogamy as we practice it is a result of culture, and probably not a very good one since it flies in the face of good evolution. Stronger males should be breeding more, and inferior males, breeding less.(so says a typical alpha male, I suppose) Instead, we do one and one breeding, allowing weak, and simple males to have chances to perpetuate bad genes. Thank god for cuckolding!
Sorry, science can be a jerk sometimes.
serious? hmm i'm there from June 21 (sun) to June 25 (thurs) - definite. I'm going with a gf and we're staying at a friends house, but plans are flexible. Random engagement dinner with xanga friend sounds like random fun lol!
I agree with what you're saying but like one guy said, "cheating is cheating". I've known people to "cheat" even in open relationships. To me cheating has more to do with dishonesty. You can cheat on someone emotionally without ever having sex with someone else. If someone's needs aren't being met and for whatever reason.. usually fear of losing the security or stability of what they currently have.. people will cheat to meet their needs. Sometimes, too though, the really do love and want to be with the person they are with but can't confront them about having an open relationship to meet their sexual needs.
But I don't believe for a minute it's all about the sex and animal instincts. Most humans, even men, can't enjoy sex with someone unless their is some kind of mental or emotional attraction to the person they are with. My opinion is that their is a breakdown or needs not being met in psychologically or emotionally rather than physically. I used to have the most amazing sex with my last girlfriend.. I never wanted or lusted for anyone else.. not even porn did anything for me anymore. But when the actual relationship began to sour psychologically.. sex with her was is she may have well just licking the wall while I watched from far away.
I've had my share of casual sex since we broke up, and even with those people, there was still some kind of connection that made it good. The few where there was none, the sex was bad because the attraction seemed nonexistant, no mental chemistry. Then again.. I'm having sex on a regular basis with this kind of crazy girl now and it's all mostly a physical chemistry.. and it's GREAT!!