I've taken such a long hiatus from public blogging that none of this feels natural anymore. For years ... nearly 8 years? It had been so natural, the words just waiting to be poured out. It's somewhat comforting to know that in my darkest hours, I still come back here for relief.

I don't even know how I came back to this place, to face these dilemmas. With all the circumstances that's happened up to now, there are so many things I still can't figure out the rhyme or reason. What I DO know, is that I'm tired. Ive set out to do pretty much all that I wanted to do in the last 5 years and my prerogatives and priorities have changed. I'm tired of being so alone, tired of going against the grain. All the challenges I used to be so hungry for? They've burnt me out. I'm ready for simple.

Maybe its the failure that I see in myself that is so hard to swallow. Sure, its really all about how you spin it. I've lived in this country! I am this profession! I've survived this catastrophe! I have this many degrees! I climbed this mountain! Blah blah blah. Yet in my eyes, I put myself out there and it didn't work out. I sold all my belongings and lived off my life savings for 5 years. I dedicated my life to my career. I was so bright eyed and hopeful. Yet ... where am I now?

I always get this way before I see him. The last 24 hours. Anxious, paranoid, a million thoughts in my head. Except, this will be the last time we do this. After 7 months of long distance, 14 hours of time zone difference at one point, thousands of dollars in plane tickets, after only one week together in the beginning? He arrives. Make or break time.

Falling in love with somebody makes you do ridiculous, elaborate things. Like, move across the world to eventually be with them. Or quit your job and move to whatever country they're going to next. What kinds of ppl do these crazy things anyway??

My stubbornness is what drives me, yet its also what holds me back. Sadly, this is not the worst I've been through, so I'll likely bounce back again. Though in whatever condition we can only guess.

On a lighter note, my boss is hilarious.

Boss: are you coming in tomorrow?
Me: meh, probably not. He gets in the next day so ...
Boss: ah that's right. You probably need the entire day to fix your face and get it ready.
Me: ... I was gonna say, I HAD TO CLEAN THE APARTMENT!!! Wth!!! Lol
Boss: oh..haha. oops!

to see how few degrees of separation there is in the world.

My friend C has what we call a Dragon Lady mother. In fact, in high school, we referred to her as the Dragon. She's a loving mother, but being a single parent with an only child, her fault is being far too protective. And she enforces an unrealistic level of expectation onto C and sometimes, her suitors, as well.

When i was last in Vancouver, C's bf was telling me about a road trip they were planning for Labor Day weekend, complete with pit stops in Oregon and driving around the Bay Area. C has never gone on an overnight trip (they've been dating for a few months at this point) so she knew that breaking the news to her mother would be a challenge.

She tweets me with news that she did it! And that details will follow. I was intrigued.

It turns out that the Dragon wasn't too disapproving of the trip. She only had a few conditions: if this man was going to "break her daughter's vacation cherry", then he was going to need to step up and prove himself. The Dragon wanted the bf to buy C a promise ring (to show his commitment since, overnight trips are a huge deal), and he'd have to pay for the whole trip.

At this point, I was laughing pretty hard b/c I know C and how her mother is like. But i wonder how being the boyfriend would feel like? I empathize with the dude in feeling cornered and pressured to commit (a ring is a HUGE step forward). But in C's eyes, these are just mere formalities to appease the Dragon so she can go on this trip (C is a pretty rule-abiding, good girl).

Is this level of maintenance a realistic request from a guy? Having to cater to the dragon mother when the actual gf is pretty laid back?

A part of me 'gets' the notion that ... as women, we have to set a level of standard for ourselves. This is what I mean by, the are many TYPES of maintenance in women. Do you want to set the level at it being OK for a dude to just drop you off at a bus stop after a date? Do u want to set the level at it for him to always check his phone when around you? Do u want it to be okay to always split the bill on a date? In this case, do u want it to be OK for this man to take your daughter on vacation without buying her a ring to show his commitment?

There are women who expect lavish presents, expensive purses, bouquets of flowers, and in my case, I've been told I'm the "emotional high maintence" type. I would never want u to blow your money (cuz I'm cost-efficient). But if you say something mean or heartless or forget my birthday or ignore me, the will be hell to pay!

Alas, this blog isn't about me. But since I empathize with having a slight phobia of commitment and the idea of being asked to buy a ring may not sit well with guys who aren't acclimatized to dragon mothers, I wonder what the rest of u fellas think. Comments??

(Aside: I recently had a tiff with my own dragon mother regarding men + being a girl but sadly for her, I am not a rule-abiding, nice girl. But that's another blog for another day!)

The name of the penthouse was 'Casa Loca', or CL, as we would abbreviate it. Shortly after moving to that city, I became a regular fixture at that party scene. In a city as depressing and dismal as that was, one naturally clings onto whatever social life and friendship to stay sane.

Good people, a cultivated group, interesting dynamic, endless alcohol, people from eclectic countries around the world. It really couldn't be more perfect for me.

The first time I saw him was from across a crowded room. It started to pack up at around midnight and he was standing by the bar with his boss. Our eyes met and I smiled, because all I could notice were his eyes. Deep set and dark, but baby blue inside. Eyes that followed me around the night, but didn't strike a conversation first.

There was no smooth pick up line, no charming first encounter. Instead, I walked up to him and asked for a lighter. When a girl needs a light, she needs a light.

The conversation the rest of the night was memorable. Because it was so awkward and bumbly on his part. Physical chemistry, the initial lust, instant connection -- whatever to call it. It was enough to keep going, if even on a surface level.

My good friend walked by with her husband and I pointed them out to him. "They've been married for 10 years," I said. "They're only in their 30's. And still going as strong as ever."

He turned to me and asked me the foreshadow question that I never thought would plague me like so, in only 3 months time.

"What do you think keeps a relationship going like that, after so many years?"